A Life Restored by Horses

Surviving a Fatal Car Crash

What's Next??

Mine is the typical story of a middle class family that could not afford to buy their child a horse. But my parents did the next best thing by putting me into horse riding lessons at the age of 6. My earliest memory of being horse crazy is when I was 3 years old playing with my Breyer horses along with Jose and Jay cowboy and cowgirl action figures. I began riding lessons, learning dressage with my instructor Nancy Knapp who placed playing cards between my knees and demanded I post without stirrups. I was always the youngest in my dressage classes competing with grown-ups – I was expected to meet adult standards.

Two step-dads and three high schools later I had to give up dressage lessons and moved out of the house two months before graduating high school. I worked two jobs and continued high school graduating in the top 10 of my class.

Resuming horses in my life had to wait a couple years until I bought Mazda a Welsh/Arab cross that I kept in the backyard of the house I rented in SE Portland (unbeknownst to my landlord tee hee). I lived within the city limits so I obtained a livestock permit and had a lean-to built on the side of the garage for Mazda. Of course the neighbors complained so the local animal control officer would stop by every couple weeks to make an appearance while he enjoyed a beer at my kitchen table. Eventually my landlord found out about Mazda so I had to move him to the countryside where I spent evenings and weekends riding and hanging out.

That winter I started skiing at Mount Hood Meadows every Friday night typically by myself, but I had recently rekindled an old flame who was now accompanying me on those Friday nights while he learned to ski. One fateful Friday night, our second or third time together skiing, while driving home I lost control of my car and crossed into oncoming traffic. A big Suburban pulling a helicopter trailer hit my passenger side killing my boyfriend sending us off a cliff. When the paramedics arrived I had no signs of life and was pinned under the dashboard with the gear shift stuck in my ribs. An hour and a half later I awoke with the lights on in the cab and my boyfriend lying in the snow out the passenger side (in fatal car crashes bodies cannot be moved until the accident photographer arrives). I tried calling out to him, but I had no breath. I told myself not to panic, that I simply had the wind knocked out of me, but the paramedics heard my weak voice and clamored down the hillside. The Jaws of Life peeled back the cab as the rescue team pulled me through the rear window of my pick-up truck. I was placed on Life-Flight with a blood pressure reading of 70 systolic and zero nada no diastolic pressure.

At the hospital the doctors found that I had a collapsed lung, broken back, broken pelvis, and internal bleeding. Needless to say I was what is called "fluttering" between life and death. Though I was awake and conscious the entire time during the emergency room ordeal I was unable to receive any pain killers and EVERYTHING hurt!!! I remember choking on my own blood pointing to my mouth in a panic since I couldn't breathe so a tube was stuffed down my nose that I had to swallow, it was horrific. A needle poked beneath my belly button into my stomach made me scream in pain as the concerned physician peering through a scope into my stomach where he found 2/3 of my body's blood. I was rushed to surgery where I breathed deeply the sleeping gas hoping that I wouldn’t wake up knowing my boyfriend was dead because of me (my liver was lacerated in 3 places).

There is so much more to the story like my boyfriend's parents suing me for millions, the people who hit my car sued me, I lost my business being forced into selling my shares for a $1 to my partner and ultimately my life was in ruins. I didn’t "live" for many years grieving and blaming myself for killing my beloved friend - I didn't deserve to be loved is how I felt. After the accident I had to sell my horse Mazda since I was now disabled and unable to stand up straight for many months. With a broken pelvis I used a cane to walk, but had no car to drive to the grocery store and my business partner would not give me the keys to my motorcycle in fear I would kill myself. I was stranded, but friends and family made sure I had food and company from time to time. Eventually my physician released me to ride a bike so I had wheels for awhile until I finally got my motorcycle keys, but then the motorcycle was stolen just a month later – was anything going to ever get better?

Years went by as I started my life over determined to be independent, never relying on anyone since I found out the hard way people could be cruel and untrustworthy, at least that's how I felt for many many years. I climbed the corporate ladder earning the title of Vice President at two Oregon corporations during my career. At the age of 26 I gave birth to my first son and four years later my second son. I had a need to bare those two boys that words cannot describe - it was like a ton of bricks lay on my back and chest until I finally gave in to the Universal pressure of having a child. I thought I was unfit to have children both physically and emotionally which is why I held off so long. I tell my boys "you have a purpose that is greater than my understanding".

I bought my first house in Portland, Oregon and five years later it doubled in value so I moved to the country to live my dream hoping one day to have horses again while raising my sons in the expansive natural world. There in the countryside I met my beloved, my husband Ken. He is a gifted Luthier (one of his lutes was in the Portland Art Museum 2016), artist and craftsman who devoted every day to realizing my dreams by putting up fences and building me a barn and subsequently a training arena. After seven years of living in the country I was finally able to bring horse’s home…..

Once I bought a couple horses and brought them home magic in my life began to happen, but not in the beginning.  I had much to learn from the equine herd........ At first I rode my horses the way I had been taught all those dressage years. I used bits and spurs, crops and whips, but I could never get that loving bonded connection with my horses duh...... But after 2 concussions in one summer I realized my horse didn’t like me at all as I watched her trot off down the street to visit the neighboring horses. I longed for an "authentic deep connection" with my horse, the kind of relationship I dreamed of as a child, but instead my heart was broken in the realization I had zero relationship with my horse….. While on my knees on the asphalt swirling from the fall, I recognized in that moment that I needed to change; so began my ongoing equine journey that changed my horse’s life and mine in ways I never imagined!

During my recovery from the latest concussion, I began the pursuit of understanding how horses communicate with one another and how as a human I could connect in a relationship beyond my humanity. I had to retrain myself in equine behavior, and herd communication which led me down a deeper path into holistic horse keeping and prey animal psychology. I sought out behavior science experts, poured over books and articles, watched video after video of all sorts of trainers from traditional crank and spank em types to natural horsemanship and everyone in between. As I began applying herd language to my mare in a gentle compassionate way, I was stunned by the transformation she made right before my eyes. The mare who was indifferent towards me, could care less if I fell off and probably was hoping I would, now looked at me in recognition as her herd leader burying her head in my chest sighing in relief as if to say “I’ve been waiting for you to wake up”.

My dream of a deeply connected relationship with my horse began to take shape as I developed methods and techniques that have now become my Training the WHOLE Horse® program. Based on the foundation of DO NO HARM, my Training the WHOLE Horse® techniques are all about creating a SAFER Horse and SAFER Ride while developing Deeper TRUST and AUTHENTIC Communication between you and your horse all WITHOUT using FEAR, FOOD, FORCE or DEVICES!! The Horse I had ALWAYS Dreamed of was in my own backyard the whole time!!